So, I decided to blog. I will answer
why later, but first let me tell you a bit about myself.
My name is Crazy Mom. Okay so it's not really Crazy Mom but who the hell cares I am a Mom! I am divorced (aren't most us?). I am re-married
(aren't most of us). I have a beautiful (almost 9 years old) daughter (LF) who
I love and adore more than life itself and oh yeah she has ASD (Autism Spectrum
Disorder). We will get to the ASD and LF in a few.
Okay back to the married part because I think this will intrigue
most people. I am married to the love of my life, and oh lest we not forget,
he's ten years younger. He supports me in everything, has stood by my side in
everything, and that asshole knocked me up this past July. So, you are
probably doing the math in your head or thinking really hard about what the
hell is wrong with this lady...nine years later you're having another kid?
Really? Why? Are you crazy? Of course I am crazy!!! Hello? Did you read the
part about the love of my life, my best friend, and my truly better half is TEN
years younger than me?
So, here I am unemployed, a mother of a beautiful girl with ASD, a
wife to a perfect man, and pregnant with a boy! SHIT go ahead and put us on
Maury…wait I don’t need a paternity test… OK Ellen maybe she will give us something…I
got it…JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Why blog?
There is so much I want to say about my life. Facebook is
okay for the short and sweet side of life; however, not everyone wants to read
every little detail about your life. Well, unless it means your life is
worse than their life, then yes, most people on Facebook will be more than
willing to dive into your life and all it's cracked up to be. As I
mentioned, I have a daughter with ASD. I think putting it out there about
her life, her struggles, her ups and downs, and how, as a family, we deal with
it may help us, but really I just need to check out sometimes. Mom needs
a break!
So yeah I'm blogging for me, and possibly for my family to have a
better understanding of my little girl. Having said that, I have to say
the title of the blog is what it is for a reason. I will try to keep it
clean, but let’s face it, I swear like a sailor! If there is something that
happens at LF's school, I'm gonna let it out and not give a damn who reads it. If
my husband pisses me off and it will happen (remind me to tell you about when
he ate his breakfast in his work truck in the driveway this morning), I am
going to let it out. Does that make
sense? Bear with me, it's my first post. Hopefully, I'll get
better!
ASD can't be explained in one blog. I plan to explain it as
we go. If I overwhelm you now you won't come back and read!!! Trust me
there is so much I could tell you about ASD and LF. Our (her) struggles and
those milestones that happen, the smile on her face when she understands your
feelings, the tears when she is in pain from sensory overload, and of course,
those funny absolutely hysterical things that she says on a daily basis. Like the time she told my friend she stunk. Oh yes folks, she told my friend who was
visiting from out of state that she stunk.
Luckily, my friend and LF are super close, and it was easily fixed…right
after she took a shower and made sure she didn’t stink! Talk about a mortified
mother! I can't explain ASD in a paragraph or two. I can only tell you as
we go through this journey together. I can say that LF has been doing so much
better with her ASD the older she gets. She was diagnosed at 5.
Four years later, and we are doing way better. In so many ways she
is a 9 year old. However, there are those times when she is a bit different,
odd, and eccentric to those around her. She doesn't quite use the same
social cues that most of us use. She is still struggling with her speech,
but she talks almost always normal. LF uses the TV as her way of
communicating most of the time. She will often repeat something from TV
to see if we will laugh. She is a mess! We love her dearly and she is
truly excited to be a big sister. Although she refuses to learn how to change
a diaper, and truth be told, I am not pushing it. She hates to even think
about getting her hands dirty. Oh and to think of the melt down we will
have if she gets shit on her hands. Yeah as a Mom with a kid who has ASD
you learn to pick and choose. You also learn to let them guide you
through this journey and to just help them along the way.
There is also this crazy Mom who is struggling with the questions
of how am I going to give her all the attention she needs with a baby here?
Will she tell me if she needs me? Probably not because LF cannot always express
emotions so sometimes I have to judge it and see what she may need from me or
others in her life. I know that my concerns are null and void and that my
love for my children will be multiplied. It's there; trust me that little
voice in your head that says shut the hell up. You're a Mother get the
hell over it and move on. Oh you know that voice. It is also the
voice that says you can't get sick, pee alone or sometimes take a shower without
little eyes on you and what does that voice say. "Get over it. You're a
Mom. You have to be strong." You have to be strong. Oh those five
words that I hate so very, very much. Why do I have to be strong? Why
can't I crawl in a corner and cry? Why can't I check out every day and be
alone? Oh yes for the little girl in the other room quietly playing with her
dolls or watching TV. For the little girl, who needs me to be her voice
because she sometimes just can't speak for herself? For the little girl
who needs arms to run to when it just gets to be too much and she needs to be
safe. Yep! That's why I have to be strong.
So here I am writing a blog about our lives. My concerns
about my 9 year old adjusting to becoming a big sister, her ASD and her daily
struggles with it, my husband who is ten years younger than me, but the love of
my life (he's not perfect and I am so sure you can't wait to hear what he
does), and now there is this little baby boy growing inside my belly. Oh
dear bring on the pregnancy tears and hormones!!! Here we are the two of us
just trying to make it through the next three months with no issues. Did
I mention I am scared to death of "doing it over again". Oh come on
you know what I mean. Late nights, always having a baby attached to your hip,
crying, diapers, bottles, the list never ends. My one huge fear...what if
he has ASD? I pray that he doesn't. Wouldn't you? When my husband and I
first talked about having another child that was the first thing that came to
my mind. Not the oh shit I’ve got to
start over moment…nope the oh shit what if I am the one who gave this to my
daughter, and hell, I don’t want to give it to another child! Look I know that
research suggests it may not be genetic. I have scoured the Internet
researching, and I have asked numerous doctors about what if it’s me, and yes
they all suggested we have a child, and yes they all said that LF would do well
(and she has) with a little one, but as mothers, we all have those fears. I
know I am crazy for thinking these things, but this is what a mother goes
through when thinking about having another child. I never shared it with my
husband. In fact, I haven't really told anyone about this huge fear
growing inside of me, or about the possibility of this child having ASD.
Is it okay if I have another child or would that be irresponsible of me?
Why am I feeling so guilty about this? These are my fears, my insecurities…this
is me being crazy! This is just me. This is my life.
Okay so my posts won’t always be so sad, but it's important to
know where I am coming from in order for you to understand me in the future.
Otherwise, I am always going to come across as a heartless bitch! Our
family has a lot of fun, and I am looking forward to sharing that fun with you.
It's our crazy life together, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
And so begins my diary as an ill-mannered Mom.
And so begins my diary as an ill-mannered Mom.
~AT
